I live for the parts of life that ooze with passion.
I believe life is lived in the messy and the mundane, in the highs and lows, in the joy and in the pain. It's in the folds of life that we find the joys of it: the passion.
Welcome to the folds of my life, to the inexplicably exciting but even more so, welcome to the everyday and the routine.
Sweet friend, I am so happy to have you here!!
I wish that I could sit down at my favorite coffee shop with you right now. We would find solace in the coziest nook, exchange stories over steaming mugs, find comfort in the “me too” of our struggles, cry just a little, and giggle even more. Sweet friend, if I had three wishes I would use one to put you right by my side so that we could climb the bumps of life together.
Life has hurts and pains and a companion who really, truly cares is one of God’s sweetest gifts in the midst of it all. I may not be able to sit by your side and be the ear that listens to your heart hurts but my prayer is that you can learn from what God has taught me.
These past couple of years have been full of me learning many things about God and who I am in light of who He is: made pure and blameless in His sight, a beloved child He loves to call His own. This is all because of the death Jesus died on the cross for me and for you. I was once divided from God, because of my own folly and sin and that's why Jesus came to suffer a death I deserve, so that I might be seen as sinless in the eyes of God. So, that I might not suffer eternal separation from a God that loves me dearly, a God that longs to be with me. All I have to do is say yes to the free gift of eternal life and blamelessness that Jesus offers me.
I am still bruised and broken, just like every person living in this bruised and broken world. My story is a mirror of that brokenness, but it is also a story of triumph and a reflection of the mightiness and faithfulness of God.
I have genuinely despised myself, been ashamed of who I am, and have been to some pretty low places, but I would not change any of it. My story is full of my own sinfulness that separates me from God but is made beautiful when tended to by His perfect love. God has used my hurts and imperfections to make me more like Him and realizing this suddenly makes the hurt worth it.
One of the things that I have wrestled with is something called Binge Eating Disorder. This was much to my dismay in the beginning of the process, I did not want to be the girl with an eating disorder. I didn’t want to be the girl with a problem at all. I had been so blind to my own sin for years and the fact that I did actually have a mental problem when it came to food was more than I wanted to handle. The thought made me burn with shame.
Binge Eating Disorder is a classic story of God giving man something that is good and man taking the good thing to a sinful place. Food is a gift from God, a gift meant to nourish the bodies He made. Does He want us to enjoy the thing He made for us? YES! But before anything, He wants us to desire and long for Him. Food becomes sinful when we begin to satisfy ourselves with it rather than with our Heavenly Father. When life hurts us, and trust me it will, if we run to our heaping plates of comfort food rather than the Creator of it, we are sinning. We are not finding comfort from the hurt in the only one who can comfort that hurt eternally.
This is where my Eating Disorder found me. The world would hurt me (made more acute by past stings) and I would go running to my pantry for the momentary comfort from whatever it was that I found. When I finally became aware of the potency of this cycle, it was a habit ingrained in me from six years of eating in secrecy.
I hid it for the longest time. Not a soul knew what I was struggling with, and it was hard. My secret boiled within me, rolling around, causing me anguish that would eventually turn me to food yet again. When I finally came clean and shared my hurt with friends, it was not less love that met me or shame or disapproval, as I had imagined. The ones I loved understood me better. Friendships deepened and I even found the occasional "I've been there,” that comes with a shared struggle. I felt free. My box was gone, the things I had condemned myself to were no longer as drowning as I had made them to be. Vulnerability set me free from self imposed chains.
Life was not all sunny days and pink lemonade after that. Oh it was still hard. Some of my hardest days came after opening up to others. People knew my secret, they knew my imperfections and I still felt like an island, completely devoid of being loveable. Again, self-imposed feelings.
It was in those days that I began to discover some very ugly things about myself. In my mind my personality was far from desirable and I saw myself through the eyes of my worst critic, eyes that did not exist. Because I did not see myself as worth even an ounce of love I drove myself from people, wading through my own self-hatred. Again, I would lose myself in food.
A lonely cycle to say the least, but praise God He held my hand and did not let go. His love for me is overwhelming, tear inducing, and hard to understand. I could see the work of His hands and He would share with me the vision of the woman He is creating me to be, bringing hope to my soul. There was a purpose for all of this.
The process of recovery has been a long one. There are still days that I do better than others and I have this sneaking suspicion that my eating disorder is a sin that will follow me around for the rest of my time on earth. I may experience freedom for a time but complete victory will not come until I see my Lord face to face in eternity.
Through battling my eating disorder God has pushed me, pulled me, stretched me, and grown me beyond what I would have ever imagined a mere three years ago. I have learned so much in my hardest days. I am valuable, loved, important, and a person that is worthy of each of those things.